Post by fdcm on May 22, 2007 13:13:53 GMT -6
As the scene opens, FDCM is back in true form at what appears to be a POW press conference. Seated behind the press table with a girl under either arm, wearing his typically bright, gaudy clothing, designer shades and of course, the old UWL Championship, FDCM coolly addresses the reporter's questions with a smile on his face as flash bulbs are almost constantly going off.
Reporter: FDCM, how do you address the numerous analysts who claim you are past your prime and have no business in the ring with a man like Tito Capaci?
Not taken aback in the slightest, FDCM chuckles lowly before drawling into the mic:
FDCM: ...you think I don't know what you're doing here, bud? That question is a trap. You want me to pop off so you've got something interesting to write about..."oh, the Champ is nervous! The Champ is irritable! He lacks confidence!"
It's not gonna happen. You won't fluster me today because I feel I am in complete control. So to those supposed analysts...they're analysts, it's their job to overanalyze, overscrutinize, and underrate athletes. I feel I have an excellent chance of walking out of SuperMania the victor, so to those people, I guess I'll just say I disagree.
Another Reporter: So let's say you DO win the POW World Title. What's next?
FDCM: What's next is the biggest celebration in the history of professional sports! We're talking parades, parties, a blimp, the whole nine...but as far as after that is concerned...basically whoever Tito Capaci decides to put in front of me. I figure he'll be pretty sore about losing to me and so it'll probably be someone pretty intimidating, or maybe even a handicap match against like, every other champion in POW or something. But that's fine. At the risk of sounding cliche, I'll defend MY title ANYTIME, ANYPLACE, against ANYONE. Because that's what REAL champions do!
Yet Another Reporter: FDCM, your series with Capaci stands at a current 1-1-1, and the last time you fought, Capaci beat you. Does that affect your mindset going into the match?
FDCM: Well, I don't know that it affects my mindset much but it's something to think about, to be sure. I want to say that cutting away all the bullshit that is a necessary part of this song and dance, I really do respect Tito Capaci as an athlete, if not necessarily as a man. He's a hell of a competitor and he's taken me to the limit every time I've wrestled him. I'm looking forward to having that again...it's been a while since I've really felt like I fought a worthy adversary.
Still Another Reporter: Really? Then how do you address the losses you've suffered already here in POW?
FDCM: Losses...in matches of what magnitude? It's only the rookies and dingbats that get psyched up for every little weekly match like it's life or death. I lost, what, a nontitle match against a fake champion, and got counted out in a tag team match with three people I have nothing to do with? Years down the line, when people talk about the legacy of FDCM, are they going to say "oh, on May 17, 2007 he got counted out!"
Hell no. They're gonna talk about the gigundo title match he fought the very next week, and the zillions of title defenses he went on to achieve. The "losses" I've suffered here were because I couldn't have cared less about the matches I was booked in. I blame booking for that, not myself. You want 110% from FDCM, you put him in a 110% matchup. Otherwise, forget it.
Same Reporter: I have to say, those don't sound like the words of a fighting champion...
Now, FDCM becomes angry. Glaring through his shades, he rises to his feet and berates the reporter.
FDCM: And you would know how, exactly!? What does a pipsqueak pencil-pusher in a bad suit know about being a champion!? What have you ever been the champion of? Are you the East Coast Light Heavyweight Champion of Pissing People Off!? Or maybe you're the Universal All-Star Supreme of Getting His Ass Kicked at Press Conferences!? Because that's where you're headed, you stupid son of a-
At that point, FDCM trails off. In the back of the room, his trusty lawyer, Ken Rosenberg, is flagging him down.
FDCM: ...well, my legal counsel is signaling me that that's all the time we'll have for today. Any further questions may be addressed to my press secretary.
At that, another Flying Diamond Cutter Girl in an impossibly short-skirted business suit and spike heels saunters out to address the reporters. As the army of uber-single pro wrestling journalists flocks around her, FDCM pushes through the crowd back to Rosenberg.
FDCM: What's up, Lawyer? Keeping your nose clean?
Rosenberg: Champ, we've got a serious problem.
FDCM: Oh? How is that?
Rosenberg: Well....
FDCM: What?
Rosenberg: Champ...you're completely boned.
FDCM: For f**k's sake, WHY!? What is the damn deal!?
Rosenberg: Well...your accountant contacted me this morning, and your account balances are all in the red. And actually, it turns out that the check you wrote for that big celebration dinner for all of us last night also bounced, so you owe me like 200 bucks for that, too.
For a moment, FDCM seems calm. Then, it hits him, and his eyes go wide as his shades fall right off his face.
FDCM: WHAT!? How the hell did THAT happen!?
Rosenberg: The girls, FDCM. The clothes. The jewelry. The fancy dinners, the limousines, that dressing room...you're aware all those things cost money?
FDCM: I was...vaguely aware of such things, yes...
Rosenberg: Well Christ, did you really think it would never catch up to you? You didn't think a month's pay of being the champion of a regional wrestling territory would last forever, did you?
FDCM: I...guess I got a little carried away, heh heh...
Rosenberg: To say the least! As your legal counsel, FDCM, I must highly recommend immediate and serious changes to your lifestyle, or...
FDCM: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! I'm not a bad guy, here! Just because I enjoy the occasional all-night bender with an army of exotic women...
Rosenberg: Champ, this is serious.
FDCM: Awright, awright, awright. How bad is it?
Somberly, Rosenberg, hands FDCM a file. After flipping through several pages, FDCM's jaw hits the floor.
FDCM: What the...who the hell spent $7,000 on a lifetime supply of Black Cherry Kool-Aid!?
Rosenberg: ...that would have been you, sir.
FDCM: ...and $1500 for a life-sized statue of Superman?
Rosenberg nods gravely.
FDCM: ...$20,000 for an autographed gym sock from Peyton Manning? That couldn't have been me!
Rosenberg: Yeah, I think you were pretty hammered.
FDCM: Jesus...well. Well come on, then! You're my lawyer, make this go away like you do everything else!
Rosenberg: FDCM, I can't just erase this kind of debt. You're in serious trouble here. And quite frankly, bribes and my services aren't free, either!
FDCM: Dammit...what the hell am I gonna do...
FDCM thinks painfully for a few moments, before the lightbulb finally goes off in his head.
FDCM: Rosenberg! Is there any way you can just sweep this under the rug for just a couple of days?
Rosenberg: Maybe...but what then?
FDCM: Then, I'll be POW World Champion! And enjoy all the glorious income that goes along with it! I may not be able to afford a gigantic staff of defense attorneys and overglorified strippers as the "former" world champion...but SURELY, as the CURRENT world champion...
Rosenberg: Yeah, actually, if the figures we've been given are any indication, that big payday might be just the thing you need to keep your head above water. But FDCM, if you don't win that match...
FDCM: Lawyer, I wasn't allowing myself to consider that as even a slight possibility even before winning was my only way of avoiding a life-altering financial nightmare.
Rosenberg: Oh. Well in that case, go get 'im!
FDCM: Right! Just you wait, Lawyer! Keep this on the DL until SuperMania's over. Then, all our money troubles will be loooooong gone...heh heh heh!
Rosenberg: You know, as your legal counsel, I have to inform you that this is a highly irregular manner of settling-
FDCM: Ahhhh, what are they gonna do about it!? I'm-
: HE'S THE CHAMP!!!
FDCM jumps sky high from startling as several dozen of his valets suddenly finish his catchphrase behind his back. He turns on them angrily.
FDCM: What the...how long have you all been standing there!?
The women give him a "deer in headlights" look before one of them speaks up smartly:
Very Dimwitted FDCGirl: Oh, certainly not long enough to hear about your unbelievably severe debt!
................
FDCM: Arrrrgh!!! How many times have I told you not to eavesdrop on my legal meetings!?
FDCGirl: But you were talking in the middle of a crowded public place!
The camera pans out and fades as FDCM furiously chases his girls around the now-deserted conference room, while Rosenberg massages his temples and walks off to try and fix the latest mess his boss has gotten them into...
Reporter: FDCM, how do you address the numerous analysts who claim you are past your prime and have no business in the ring with a man like Tito Capaci?
Not taken aback in the slightest, FDCM chuckles lowly before drawling into the mic:
FDCM: ...you think I don't know what you're doing here, bud? That question is a trap. You want me to pop off so you've got something interesting to write about..."oh, the Champ is nervous! The Champ is irritable! He lacks confidence!"
It's not gonna happen. You won't fluster me today because I feel I am in complete control. So to those supposed analysts...they're analysts, it's their job to overanalyze, overscrutinize, and underrate athletes. I feel I have an excellent chance of walking out of SuperMania the victor, so to those people, I guess I'll just say I disagree.
Another Reporter: So let's say you DO win the POW World Title. What's next?
FDCM: What's next is the biggest celebration in the history of professional sports! We're talking parades, parties, a blimp, the whole nine...but as far as after that is concerned...basically whoever Tito Capaci decides to put in front of me. I figure he'll be pretty sore about losing to me and so it'll probably be someone pretty intimidating, or maybe even a handicap match against like, every other champion in POW or something. But that's fine. At the risk of sounding cliche, I'll defend MY title ANYTIME, ANYPLACE, against ANYONE. Because that's what REAL champions do!
Yet Another Reporter: FDCM, your series with Capaci stands at a current 1-1-1, and the last time you fought, Capaci beat you. Does that affect your mindset going into the match?
FDCM: Well, I don't know that it affects my mindset much but it's something to think about, to be sure. I want to say that cutting away all the bullshit that is a necessary part of this song and dance, I really do respect Tito Capaci as an athlete, if not necessarily as a man. He's a hell of a competitor and he's taken me to the limit every time I've wrestled him. I'm looking forward to having that again...it's been a while since I've really felt like I fought a worthy adversary.
Still Another Reporter: Really? Then how do you address the losses you've suffered already here in POW?
FDCM: Losses...in matches of what magnitude? It's only the rookies and dingbats that get psyched up for every little weekly match like it's life or death. I lost, what, a nontitle match against a fake champion, and got counted out in a tag team match with three people I have nothing to do with? Years down the line, when people talk about the legacy of FDCM, are they going to say "oh, on May 17, 2007 he got counted out!"
Hell no. They're gonna talk about the gigundo title match he fought the very next week, and the zillions of title defenses he went on to achieve. The "losses" I've suffered here were because I couldn't have cared less about the matches I was booked in. I blame booking for that, not myself. You want 110% from FDCM, you put him in a 110% matchup. Otherwise, forget it.
Same Reporter: I have to say, those don't sound like the words of a fighting champion...
Now, FDCM becomes angry. Glaring through his shades, he rises to his feet and berates the reporter.
FDCM: And you would know how, exactly!? What does a pipsqueak pencil-pusher in a bad suit know about being a champion!? What have you ever been the champion of? Are you the East Coast Light Heavyweight Champion of Pissing People Off!? Or maybe you're the Universal All-Star Supreme of Getting His Ass Kicked at Press Conferences!? Because that's where you're headed, you stupid son of a-
At that point, FDCM trails off. In the back of the room, his trusty lawyer, Ken Rosenberg, is flagging him down.
FDCM: ...well, my legal counsel is signaling me that that's all the time we'll have for today. Any further questions may be addressed to my press secretary.
At that, another Flying Diamond Cutter Girl in an impossibly short-skirted business suit and spike heels saunters out to address the reporters. As the army of uber-single pro wrestling journalists flocks around her, FDCM pushes through the crowd back to Rosenberg.
FDCM: What's up, Lawyer? Keeping your nose clean?
Rosenberg: Champ, we've got a serious problem.
FDCM: Oh? How is that?
Rosenberg: Well....
FDCM: What?
Rosenberg: Champ...you're completely boned.
FDCM: For f**k's sake, WHY!? What is the damn deal!?
Rosenberg: Well...your accountant contacted me this morning, and your account balances are all in the red. And actually, it turns out that the check you wrote for that big celebration dinner for all of us last night also bounced, so you owe me like 200 bucks for that, too.
For a moment, FDCM seems calm. Then, it hits him, and his eyes go wide as his shades fall right off his face.
FDCM: WHAT!? How the hell did THAT happen!?
Rosenberg: The girls, FDCM. The clothes. The jewelry. The fancy dinners, the limousines, that dressing room...you're aware all those things cost money?
FDCM: I was...vaguely aware of such things, yes...
Rosenberg: Well Christ, did you really think it would never catch up to you? You didn't think a month's pay of being the champion of a regional wrestling territory would last forever, did you?
FDCM: I...guess I got a little carried away, heh heh...
Rosenberg: To say the least! As your legal counsel, FDCM, I must highly recommend immediate and serious changes to your lifestyle, or...
FDCM: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! I'm not a bad guy, here! Just because I enjoy the occasional all-night bender with an army of exotic women...
Rosenberg: Champ, this is serious.
FDCM: Awright, awright, awright. How bad is it?
Somberly, Rosenberg, hands FDCM a file. After flipping through several pages, FDCM's jaw hits the floor.
FDCM: What the...who the hell spent $7,000 on a lifetime supply of Black Cherry Kool-Aid!?
Rosenberg: ...that would have been you, sir.
FDCM: ...and $1500 for a life-sized statue of Superman?
Rosenberg nods gravely.
FDCM: ...$20,000 for an autographed gym sock from Peyton Manning? That couldn't have been me!
Rosenberg: Yeah, I think you were pretty hammered.
FDCM: Jesus...well. Well come on, then! You're my lawyer, make this go away like you do everything else!
Rosenberg: FDCM, I can't just erase this kind of debt. You're in serious trouble here. And quite frankly, bribes and my services aren't free, either!
FDCM: Dammit...what the hell am I gonna do...
FDCM thinks painfully for a few moments, before the lightbulb finally goes off in his head.
FDCM: Rosenberg! Is there any way you can just sweep this under the rug for just a couple of days?
Rosenberg: Maybe...but what then?
FDCM: Then, I'll be POW World Champion! And enjoy all the glorious income that goes along with it! I may not be able to afford a gigantic staff of defense attorneys and overglorified strippers as the "former" world champion...but SURELY, as the CURRENT world champion...
Rosenberg: Yeah, actually, if the figures we've been given are any indication, that big payday might be just the thing you need to keep your head above water. But FDCM, if you don't win that match...
FDCM: Lawyer, I wasn't allowing myself to consider that as even a slight possibility even before winning was my only way of avoiding a life-altering financial nightmare.
Rosenberg: Oh. Well in that case, go get 'im!
FDCM: Right! Just you wait, Lawyer! Keep this on the DL until SuperMania's over. Then, all our money troubles will be loooooong gone...heh heh heh!
Rosenberg: You know, as your legal counsel, I have to inform you that this is a highly irregular manner of settling-
FDCM: Ahhhh, what are they gonna do about it!? I'm-
: HE'S THE CHAMP!!!FDCM jumps sky high from startling as several dozen of his valets suddenly finish his catchphrase behind his back. He turns on them angrily.
FDCM: What the...how long have you all been standing there!?
The women give him a "deer in headlights" look before one of them speaks up smartly:
Very Dimwitted FDCGirl: Oh, certainly not long enough to hear about your unbelievably severe debt!
................
FDCM: Arrrrgh!!! How many times have I told you not to eavesdrop on my legal meetings!?
FDCGirl: But you were talking in the middle of a crowded public place!
The camera pans out and fades as FDCM furiously chases his girls around the now-deserted conference room, while Rosenberg massages his temples and walks off to try and fix the latest mess his boss has gotten them into...