Post by Zevon on May 31, 2007 11:59:44 GMT -6
*The scene opens to a sparsely decorated white stucco room. In the middle of a wall in front of a POW: New England banner stands a lonely plywood podium. The camera pans back to find Stephie Campbell and Lee Cash sitting in their best business attire with notepads ready for action. In walks an unfamiliar comely female reporter clad in jeans and oversized T-shirt. She sits between the two POW: NE reporters refusing to exchange pleasantries. The camera pans further back to find no others in the room with the exception of a security guard at the wooden door. The camera holds at the door as POW Eastern Heavyweight Champion JR Zevon emerges dressed in full black and white ring gear and a POW: New England T-shirt. The title is secure around his waist. Zevon gives a polite smile to Stephie Campbell and a warm nod to the other female in the room. Lee Cash, despite a jovial wave towards the champ, receives no recognition. Zevon approaches the podium, places the Eastern Heavyweight Championship on the podium and shakes it to affirm its stability.*
Zevon: Let’s make this as quick and painless for me as possible. We’ll start with the lovely Miss Campbell.
Stephie: I was rather flummoxed when I heard that you were holding a press conference today. In the past you have criticized Shawn Stevens for engaging the press, and have spurned all opportunities to participate in any publicity events.
(Zevon is listening very intently leaning in Stephie’s direction to his left, one hand clasped on the side of the podium and the other held Clintonesque with thumb and fist.)
Stephie: This week alone you refused to participate with Josh Eagles and other POW stars at an Early Summer Beach Bash while John Anthony has stormed the local wrestling circuit promoting POW. What caused you to call this press conference today?
(Zevon straightens up, grabbing the podium by both edges. As he speaks he gestures with his hands.)
Zevon: Miss Campbell, thank you for your lovely question. You spelled out quite well my reasons for calling this fine event today. I have been bombarded by complaints that I am somehow not a good champion, that I do not do enough to promote Power on Wrestling New England. Most prominent in the complaints against yours truly is that the Eastern Heavyweight Champion does not give back to the fans, that I do not excite the public by holding asinine pep rallies. I have called this press conference today because I was told by POW management that I must give back.
Cash: But there are only three people in the roo….
(Zevon motions for Cash to zip it. Zevon points to Stephie to call forth a follow-up and leans in her direction much the same as before.)
Stephie: Why do you not participate in events such as the Summer Beach Blast?
(Zevon straightens back up).
Zevon: Nelly Furtado. Metallica. Buck Cherry. Those are three major reasons why I have not nor will I ever engage in such events. POW insists on inviting such miscreants to “entertain” the masses while holding a blind eye to real, wholesome family entertainment, like JR Zevon. I will never sit on the back burner while some so-called “artists” perform their mindless drivel.
Stephie: That aside, why haven’t you taken the lead of people such as John Anthony in rallying the fans before the event?
Zevon: There you go bringing up that foul name yet again. John Anthony wastes his time peddling to the fans as if that somehow improves his chances against such a fine competitor as me.
(Zevon leans to his right and points out Lee Cash. Cash perks up and excitedly shouts out his question.)
Cash: Recently, John Anthony made a special appearance at a Maryland Championship Wrestling event. What are your thoughts on his words and actions at that event?
Zevon: I appreciate the question. John Anthony, curse his vile name, has yet again shown that he has not the moral fiber to carry the Eastern Heavyweight Championship. Yet again catering to the decrepit fans, John brought out an imposter to put on a poor imitation of the Eastern Heavyweight Champion. This did absolutely nothing but yet again broadcast to the world that John Anthony has absolutely no respect for the art of professional wrestling. Mr. Cash, please proceed.
Cash: John Anthony directed strong words in your direction. Among other things Mr. Anthony called you a “self-proclaimed champion” and in insult to the fans and the other POW competitors. Doesn’t Mr. Anthony make a valid point that you disrespect this business and its fans and competitors through your less than championship caliber deeds?
(Zevon straightens up and pounds the podium with his right fist).
Zevon: BLASPHEMY! I will not answer such insidious questions. Stephie!
(Zevon points to Stephie who is no longer fazed by Zevon’s eccentric ways.)
Stephie: Last Sunday on the Road to Over in Dover, you put on a performance that made a mockery of professional wrestling.
(Zevon again pounds the podium.)
Zevon: BLASPHEMY! Cash!
(Zevon sternly points to Lee Cash.)
Cash: During that match, you took a dive on glancing punch…
(Zevon pounds the podium with his left hand, as his right has become sore.)
Zevon: BLASHPEMY! In fact, my jaw is still quite sore.
Stephie: Sore? The punch barely landed.
Zevon: It landed clean.
Cash: Your performance Sunday put even Vlade Divac to shame!
Zevon: Xenophobic bastard!
Cash: Xenophobic?
Zevon: Serbs are dishonest? You sicken me, Cash.
(Stephie and Cash both shout comments and questions at the same time. Zevon calms down and gives a point to the yet unheard from frumpy female reporter.)
Zevon: Julie!
(Stephie and Lee clam up, curious to see what new ruse Zevon has crafted.)
Julie: Mr. Zevon, I must say that you look absolutely majestic today.
Zevon: Thank you, I’m glad that someone has noticed.
(Zevon gives a stern look to the POW reporters, who respond by glancing at one another with grins.)
Julie: Mr. Zevon, how is the noble Mr. Kitters fairing?
(Zevon gives another stern, yet oddly playful look to Stephie and Lee.)
Zevon: I very much appreciate the question, Julie. Mr. Kitters is in perfect health and carrying about his grand life as proud as ever.
Julie: That’s wonderful to hear!
(Zevon looks over at Stephie and Lee as if to say “This is how it’s done.”)
Julie: You are an avid fan of Arby’s. What is your favorite delicious Arby’s sandwich?
Zevon: Riveting question, Julie! My favorite delicious Arby’s sandwich is the exquisite roast beef sub.
Julie: And the toppings? Do you prefer a stock sandwich or to you like it specialized?
Zevon: Wow, you are quite the journalist.
(Stephie and Lee look to each other is amusement. They are well aware that Julie is reading directly from a Zevon prepared notebook.)
Zevon: No tomatoes. Any other exciting questions?
(Stephie and Lee playfully half raise their hands with index finger to the sky quite aware that they will not be called upon.)
Julie: Indeed I have!
Zevon: Oh joy!
Julie: This Sunday, you meet the Combat Soldier in the ring. Your thoughts?
Zevon: Combat Soldier is a joke and not deserving of any of my precious time.
(Cash and Stephie look to one wondering about the vagueness of Zevon’s response and pondering what it means.)
Zevon: Well, Julie. It was truly wonderful that you could join us today with your truly engaging line of queries. You truly are a shining example of what a journalist should be.
(Zevon gives a cold glance to Lee and Stephie. Both return the favor to Zevon and then to the frumpy stooge reporter. Zevon waves the Nixon victory salute before grabbing the Eastern Heavyweight Championship and cinching it around his waist. Zevon ignores Stephie and Lee and makes his way to greet Julie. Julie pulls out an Arby’s bag much to the delight of Zevon. The camera zooms to Stephie and Lee standing side-by-side, rolling their eyes in disgust.)
Zevon: Let’s make this as quick and painless for me as possible. We’ll start with the lovely Miss Campbell.
Stephie: I was rather flummoxed when I heard that you were holding a press conference today. In the past you have criticized Shawn Stevens for engaging the press, and have spurned all opportunities to participate in any publicity events.
(Zevon is listening very intently leaning in Stephie’s direction to his left, one hand clasped on the side of the podium and the other held Clintonesque with thumb and fist.)
Stephie: This week alone you refused to participate with Josh Eagles and other POW stars at an Early Summer Beach Bash while John Anthony has stormed the local wrestling circuit promoting POW. What caused you to call this press conference today?
(Zevon straightens up, grabbing the podium by both edges. As he speaks he gestures with his hands.)
Zevon: Miss Campbell, thank you for your lovely question. You spelled out quite well my reasons for calling this fine event today. I have been bombarded by complaints that I am somehow not a good champion, that I do not do enough to promote Power on Wrestling New England. Most prominent in the complaints against yours truly is that the Eastern Heavyweight Champion does not give back to the fans, that I do not excite the public by holding asinine pep rallies. I have called this press conference today because I was told by POW management that I must give back.
Cash: But there are only three people in the roo….
(Zevon motions for Cash to zip it. Zevon points to Stephie to call forth a follow-up and leans in her direction much the same as before.)
Stephie: Why do you not participate in events such as the Summer Beach Blast?
(Zevon straightens back up).
Zevon: Nelly Furtado. Metallica. Buck Cherry. Those are three major reasons why I have not nor will I ever engage in such events. POW insists on inviting such miscreants to “entertain” the masses while holding a blind eye to real, wholesome family entertainment, like JR Zevon. I will never sit on the back burner while some so-called “artists” perform their mindless drivel.
Stephie: That aside, why haven’t you taken the lead of people such as John Anthony in rallying the fans before the event?
Zevon: There you go bringing up that foul name yet again. John Anthony wastes his time peddling to the fans as if that somehow improves his chances against such a fine competitor as me.
(Zevon leans to his right and points out Lee Cash. Cash perks up and excitedly shouts out his question.)
Cash: Recently, John Anthony made a special appearance at a Maryland Championship Wrestling event. What are your thoughts on his words and actions at that event?
Zevon: I appreciate the question. John Anthony, curse his vile name, has yet again shown that he has not the moral fiber to carry the Eastern Heavyweight Championship. Yet again catering to the decrepit fans, John brought out an imposter to put on a poor imitation of the Eastern Heavyweight Champion. This did absolutely nothing but yet again broadcast to the world that John Anthony has absolutely no respect for the art of professional wrestling. Mr. Cash, please proceed.
Cash: John Anthony directed strong words in your direction. Among other things Mr. Anthony called you a “self-proclaimed champion” and in insult to the fans and the other POW competitors. Doesn’t Mr. Anthony make a valid point that you disrespect this business and its fans and competitors through your less than championship caliber deeds?
(Zevon straightens up and pounds the podium with his right fist).
Zevon: BLASPHEMY! I will not answer such insidious questions. Stephie!
(Zevon points to Stephie who is no longer fazed by Zevon’s eccentric ways.)
Stephie: Last Sunday on the Road to Over in Dover, you put on a performance that made a mockery of professional wrestling.
(Zevon again pounds the podium.)
Zevon: BLASPHEMY! Cash!
(Zevon sternly points to Lee Cash.)
Cash: During that match, you took a dive on glancing punch…
(Zevon pounds the podium with his left hand, as his right has become sore.)
Zevon: BLASHPEMY! In fact, my jaw is still quite sore.
Stephie: Sore? The punch barely landed.
Zevon: It landed clean.
Cash: Your performance Sunday put even Vlade Divac to shame!
Zevon: Xenophobic bastard!
Cash: Xenophobic?
Zevon: Serbs are dishonest? You sicken me, Cash.
(Stephie and Cash both shout comments and questions at the same time. Zevon calms down and gives a point to the yet unheard from frumpy female reporter.)
Zevon: Julie!
(Stephie and Lee clam up, curious to see what new ruse Zevon has crafted.)
Julie: Mr. Zevon, I must say that you look absolutely majestic today.
Zevon: Thank you, I’m glad that someone has noticed.
(Zevon gives a stern look to the POW reporters, who respond by glancing at one another with grins.)
Julie: Mr. Zevon, how is the noble Mr. Kitters fairing?
(Zevon gives another stern, yet oddly playful look to Stephie and Lee.)
Zevon: I very much appreciate the question, Julie. Mr. Kitters is in perfect health and carrying about his grand life as proud as ever.
Julie: That’s wonderful to hear!
(Zevon looks over at Stephie and Lee as if to say “This is how it’s done.”)
Julie: You are an avid fan of Arby’s. What is your favorite delicious Arby’s sandwich?
Zevon: Riveting question, Julie! My favorite delicious Arby’s sandwich is the exquisite roast beef sub.
Julie: And the toppings? Do you prefer a stock sandwich or to you like it specialized?
Zevon: Wow, you are quite the journalist.
(Stephie and Lee look to each other is amusement. They are well aware that Julie is reading directly from a Zevon prepared notebook.)
Zevon: No tomatoes. Any other exciting questions?
(Stephie and Lee playfully half raise their hands with index finger to the sky quite aware that they will not be called upon.)
Julie: Indeed I have!
Zevon: Oh joy!
Julie: This Sunday, you meet the Combat Soldier in the ring. Your thoughts?
Zevon: Combat Soldier is a joke and not deserving of any of my precious time.
(Cash and Stephie look to one wondering about the vagueness of Zevon’s response and pondering what it means.)
Zevon: Well, Julie. It was truly wonderful that you could join us today with your truly engaging line of queries. You truly are a shining example of what a journalist should be.
(Zevon gives a cold glance to Lee and Stephie. Both return the favor to Zevon and then to the frumpy stooge reporter. Zevon waves the Nixon victory salute before grabbing the Eastern Heavyweight Championship and cinching it around his waist. Zevon ignores Stephie and Lee and makes his way to greet Julie. Julie pulls out an Arby’s bag much to the delight of Zevon. The camera zooms to Stephie and Lee standing side-by-side, rolling their eyes in disgust.)
