Post by unstoppable on Oct 3, 2007 8:39:34 GMT -6
I’m the Television Champion. I’m the champion of early morning drivel, afternoon talk shows, and late night smut. What have I gotten myself into?
Dan Harvey sits at his computer desk, running his hand over the mouse button. Yes, this doorway to the internet was going to deliver him a world of fan mail within seconds. Everything is at the touch of his fingertips, except his sanity. The first title in his inbox reads “Congratulations from your biggest fan!” Thinking this is safe enough Dan clicks, and opens a portal to idiocy.
“Dear Unstoppable One. Congratulations on winning the Television championship last week. You beat the crap out of Flap Flannagan. Wait a minute, I love Flap! You bastard…?”
How’s that for a rapid change of pace? He doesn’t even bother replying. After deleting this email, his attention is turned to the next in the line.
“Dear Dan Harvey. Piss off you randy miffen fluffer? Okay now this is just getting ridiculous. What on Earth is a ‘miffen fluffer’?”
Obviously, it’s someone who fluffs miffens. As if the lunacy was not bad enough, he continues onward with his email.
“Dear Eliminator… whatever… I’ve been a fan for years and I have to say it is awesome to see you back in the ring. Click here to increase your manhood by three inches.”
His brain implodes as he places his head on the desk. In practical disbelief Dan exclaims a statement that is sure to deliver him to special hell.
“I think I just gave an Angel AIDS for reading that email.”
He was determined to get to the end of his very full email box before the end of the evening, a task which may leave him brain dead before it is all said and done. Fortunately, a distracter entered his life. Sounds of various bells and whistles fill the air as the telephone rings off the hook. Dan is practically elated when he answers the telephone, a task he would normally dread due to a certain someone giving out his phone number to random strangers.
“Oh thank god. Yes Hello?”
The voice on the other line could give chills down the back of the prince of darkness himself. The shrill elderly woman begins to berate the mentally drained man.
“Excuse me, Mr. Harvey?”
After a slight wince, Dan responds, holding the phone away from his ear slightly as he talks.
“Yeah it’s me. May I ask who is calling?”
“This is Mrs. Honeywether from Sunbeach Elementary School. We have a problem with your hooligan daughter!”
At this point, Dan has to decide whether to be offended by the offhand comment or laugh at the absurdity of anything using the word hooligan in this day and age.
“Please... do tell.”
Mrs. Honeywether picks up on the fact he is trying his best to hold back a giggle. She is an astute gal after all.
“And what is so funny about proper parenting young man?”
It is clear to him now which choice he should chose. His voice grows firm as he gets offended by her rudeness.
“Now wait just a minute. If my daughter is in trouble then fine, I’ll come down here and pick her up, but don’t criticize my parenting style Mrs. Honeydew!”
“It’s Honeywether! I’m afraid it won’t be as simple as picking her up from school. I want you to come in and have a conference with me about your daughter’s behavior.”
Dan sighs, running a hand over his face. He really didn’t have time to be doing that. He made it a point to at least attempt responding to fan mail. He didn’t have much time to himself between training and tending to Jessica after school. This put him in quite a predicament.
“Can we possibly reschedule? I’m a bit busy right now. Besides, how much trouble could she possibly get into anyway? She’s only in first grade.”
“I’m sorry to hear you say that Mr. Harvey. I have no other choice but to suspend your…”
Now that was the last straw. They are going to suspend a first grader? Have things really come to this in society? Before she could finish he quickly interrupts her.
“Alright! Just give me a second to drive down there.”
“I knew you’d see it my way. Thank you very much.”
Dan hangs up the phone and searches for his car keys. It didn’t take him long to find the missing necessity before heading out the door. Within minutes he was pulling into the parking lot of Sunbeach Elementary School, the most ironically named school in the nation considering the nearest beach is Galveston, and even fish are afraid to swim in that dirty water. Once inside the school, Dan is greeted with his daughter who quickly runs toward him, latching her little arms around his body with tears strolling down her face.
“Daaaaaaaddy!”
Dan frowns and pats Jessica’s back as an elderly woman stands, her arms crossed over his drooping chest.
“You must be her father.”
What kind of statement is that? Of course he’s her father! Unable to resist the temptation, Dan responds with a sharp tongue.
“No sweetheart, I’m just her pedophilic friend she calls daddy. Yes I’m her friggin' father!”
She isn’t amused. She motions to her office as Dan pries his daughter off his leg. After a few moments she hesitantly sits down at her desk, the sound of her arthritis and osteoporosis kicking at full force fills the air.
“Your daughter… is delusional.”
Dan tilts his head, unable to comprehend how anyone can consider a five year old child delusional.
“Delusional? She’s five!”
Like the cute and funny child she is, Jessica adds her own commentary to the conversation.
“I’m five and a half!”
Dan motions with his hand toward his daughter, smiling sweetly.
“Yes, I know princess. You’re five and a half, but right now isn’t the time to talk about this.”
“Your daughter seems to believe you are the king of television. She claims you are a superhero who fights bad guys every day. This would make sense if you were an actor in Hollywood, but we are in Houston, and there are no production studios anywhere near Texas.”
Dan looks down at his daughter. Afraid and confused about the situation, Jessica looks up at her father as he speaks.
“Is this true Jessica?”
Jessica slowly nods her head, trying to make sense as to why she is in trouble. Dan chuckles before looking back to the elderly principle.
“I can explain this. See, I’m a…”
It was now his turn to be interrupted. She laces her fingers together, leaning on the table as she begins to ramble.
“Mr. Harvey, I don’t care what your explanation is. You simply can not fill your daughter’s heads with such tomfoolery if she is to be a student at Sunbeach Elementary. She is disrupting the other students. She’s even convinced some of her friends to form a crime fighting squadron. They pretend to patrol the hallways, stopping children who don’t have a hall pass!”
That’s enough to melt the heart of any single father. His little girl thinks he’s a superhero, and not only that but she wants to be like him too.
“Awww that’s cute.”
Her shrill voice raises, unable to cope with any of this silliness for much longer.
“It’s disruptive! I’m afraid I will have to suspend your daughter until she gets a firm grip on reality.”
“Oh come on! A firm grip on reality? She’s five… and a half! She doesn’t need a firm grip on reality. She needs a firm grip on her crayons! She needs to enjoy her imagination before television destroys it!”
“Sunbeach Elementary is one of the finest institutions in the nation. We pride ourselves on providing the best quality of education these young minds can find. Maybe these antics would be tolerated at some low class public elementary school, but we hold our students to a higher standard.”
“ Listen, I am a professional wrestler. I just won the Television championship. So my daughter got confused between professional wrestler and super hero, and she confused television championship with the king of television. She’s got imagination, intelligence, and apparently a respect for authority and rules. Last time I checked, these were positive traits, not something you get expelled for having!”
Jessica looks at her father, tugging on his sleeve with more tears in her eyes. She was getting more and more upset as the two argued.
“I don’t want to leave my friends daddy. I like it here.”
Dan sighs once more, gazing at his lovely daughter. His heart was melting and he was growing more and more frustrated with each passing moment.
“Look, I know Jessica didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I know she can be a handful sometimes, but she means well. Isn’t there anything I can do to keep her enrolled?”
“The only way I can allow her to stay in the classroom would be for you to reverse the damage you’ve done.”
“So let me speak to the kids. That’s all I’ll have to do. Give me one day and I promise you everything will be back to normal.”
Mrs. Honeywether considers the option. She leans back in her chair of demonic principality, figuring this all out in her head.
“And what if you fail Mr. Harvey?”
“Then you can take her out of school. Either way your problem will be solved. Just give me one day. One day is all I ask. My daughter deserves that much.”
Jessica now begins to pout at the evil principle, holding the fate of the young child’s education in the palm of her hand.
“Very well. We will schedule a class meeting for sometime next week. Mr. Harvey, I pray you not disappoint, for your daughters sake.”
--------
Just like every week, my goal is the same. I’m going to walk in, get the job done, and walk out.
--------
Dan Harvey, perhaps one of the most original superstars in the wrestling world today, is doing nothing fancy today. Instead, he merely stands in front of the POW locker room door. With his wrestling gear already on, he begins to prepare himself mentally for the match at hand.
“I can see it all now. The fans, the referee standing in the middle of the ring, even the demise of my opponent. I visualize this every night before I step through those curtains, and yet tonight is different. Why, of all opponents, is Mr. Showtime different?”
As he tries to grapple with the realization, Dan leans his back against the wall and slides down, his knees now near his chest.
“Perhaps it’s because he’s married to Fire. Perhaps it’s because my title isn’t on the line. Perhaps it’s because we never got to face each other in UWW all those years ago. Hell, it could be all of those things and it still wouldn’t matter. He knows as well as I all of that won’t matter once the bell rings. I don’t consider him a friend, so it’s not hesitation on my part. Yet, on the other hand, Fire is one of the reasons why I’m even here in the first place. Injuring her husband is the last thing I need to do. Unfortunately, I don’t see Showtime quitting without much of a fight. Hopefully I wont have to push him that far before he submits.”
With a small groan, Dan stands up and moves over to the sink. His hands run over the cool water, pooling the liquid in his palm before washing his face with it. Strands of hair fall across his view as he gazes up into the mirror placed just above the sink. His eyes are focused, his gaze is true.
“There will be no holding back tonight. It’s just another night. I’m going to leave friendships on the backburner until the match is over. Once it is all said and done I can shake his hand, but until then he is no better than Reck Maverick.”
A sudden burst of anger fills his chest as he utters that name. His recent remark about Dan’s career in POW was enough to stem a deep seeded hatred for the man before they even met. He begins to pace back and forth inside the dressing room, his fists clinched and ready to strike.
“Just who in the hell does he think he is anyway? I’m not some two bit rookie. I’ve earned everything I got. My victory over Flap couldn’t possibly be misconstrued as a fluke. I beat the ever living snot out of the functionally illiterate paper champion! The only reason for that comment I can think of is he’s threatened by me. Not that I can blame him to be honest. His hold on the championship is anything but firm. Bah! I can take care of this nuisance after my match tonight. For now, I have more important things to consider.”
His eyes fall over the Television title, lying on his gym bag. He picks the leather strap ordained with gold up, holding it in his hands.
“So this is what the title is reduced to? Instead of giving me a worthy challenge, they feed me opponents I’ve already beat? No matter who wins tonight, they won’t stand much of a chance against me next week. It would be different if I’ve never faced them before, but I already destroyed both of them and I’ve only been here for a week! Here I thought having me hold the title would give it some kind of prestige. I guess merely holding the title isn’t good enough. I guess I’m going to need to do something a little bit extra in order to increase the value of this belt.”
And with that, an idea was created in the head of the champion Dan Harvey. With a smirk on his face, he takes the title and walks out of his dressing room. Next stop, Jay T Nitro’s office.
Dan Harvey sits at his computer desk, running his hand over the mouse button. Yes, this doorway to the internet was going to deliver him a world of fan mail within seconds. Everything is at the touch of his fingertips, except his sanity. The first title in his inbox reads “Congratulations from your biggest fan!” Thinking this is safe enough Dan clicks, and opens a portal to idiocy.
“Dear Unstoppable One. Congratulations on winning the Television championship last week. You beat the crap out of Flap Flannagan. Wait a minute, I love Flap! You bastard…?”
How’s that for a rapid change of pace? He doesn’t even bother replying. After deleting this email, his attention is turned to the next in the line.
“Dear Dan Harvey. Piss off you randy miffen fluffer? Okay now this is just getting ridiculous. What on Earth is a ‘miffen fluffer’?”
Obviously, it’s someone who fluffs miffens. As if the lunacy was not bad enough, he continues onward with his email.
“Dear Eliminator… whatever… I’ve been a fan for years and I have to say it is awesome to see you back in the ring. Click here to increase your manhood by three inches.”
His brain implodes as he places his head on the desk. In practical disbelief Dan exclaims a statement that is sure to deliver him to special hell.
“I think I just gave an Angel AIDS for reading that email.”
He was determined to get to the end of his very full email box before the end of the evening, a task which may leave him brain dead before it is all said and done. Fortunately, a distracter entered his life. Sounds of various bells and whistles fill the air as the telephone rings off the hook. Dan is practically elated when he answers the telephone, a task he would normally dread due to a certain someone giving out his phone number to random strangers.
“Oh thank god. Yes Hello?”
The voice on the other line could give chills down the back of the prince of darkness himself. The shrill elderly woman begins to berate the mentally drained man.
“Excuse me, Mr. Harvey?”
After a slight wince, Dan responds, holding the phone away from his ear slightly as he talks.
“Yeah it’s me. May I ask who is calling?”
“This is Mrs. Honeywether from Sunbeach Elementary School. We have a problem with your hooligan daughter!”
At this point, Dan has to decide whether to be offended by the offhand comment or laugh at the absurdity of anything using the word hooligan in this day and age.
“Please... do tell.”
Mrs. Honeywether picks up on the fact he is trying his best to hold back a giggle. She is an astute gal after all.
“And what is so funny about proper parenting young man?”
It is clear to him now which choice he should chose. His voice grows firm as he gets offended by her rudeness.
“Now wait just a minute. If my daughter is in trouble then fine, I’ll come down here and pick her up, but don’t criticize my parenting style Mrs. Honeydew!”
“It’s Honeywether! I’m afraid it won’t be as simple as picking her up from school. I want you to come in and have a conference with me about your daughter’s behavior.”
Dan sighs, running a hand over his face. He really didn’t have time to be doing that. He made it a point to at least attempt responding to fan mail. He didn’t have much time to himself between training and tending to Jessica after school. This put him in quite a predicament.
“Can we possibly reschedule? I’m a bit busy right now. Besides, how much trouble could she possibly get into anyway? She’s only in first grade.”
“I’m sorry to hear you say that Mr. Harvey. I have no other choice but to suspend your…”
Now that was the last straw. They are going to suspend a first grader? Have things really come to this in society? Before she could finish he quickly interrupts her.
“Alright! Just give me a second to drive down there.”
“I knew you’d see it my way. Thank you very much.”
Dan hangs up the phone and searches for his car keys. It didn’t take him long to find the missing necessity before heading out the door. Within minutes he was pulling into the parking lot of Sunbeach Elementary School, the most ironically named school in the nation considering the nearest beach is Galveston, and even fish are afraid to swim in that dirty water. Once inside the school, Dan is greeted with his daughter who quickly runs toward him, latching her little arms around his body with tears strolling down her face.
“Daaaaaaaddy!”
Dan frowns and pats Jessica’s back as an elderly woman stands, her arms crossed over his drooping chest.
“You must be her father.”
What kind of statement is that? Of course he’s her father! Unable to resist the temptation, Dan responds with a sharp tongue.
“No sweetheart, I’m just her pedophilic friend she calls daddy. Yes I’m her friggin' father!”
She isn’t amused. She motions to her office as Dan pries his daughter off his leg. After a few moments she hesitantly sits down at her desk, the sound of her arthritis and osteoporosis kicking at full force fills the air.
“Your daughter… is delusional.”
Dan tilts his head, unable to comprehend how anyone can consider a five year old child delusional.
“Delusional? She’s five!”
Like the cute and funny child she is, Jessica adds her own commentary to the conversation.
“I’m five and a half!”
Dan motions with his hand toward his daughter, smiling sweetly.
“Yes, I know princess. You’re five and a half, but right now isn’t the time to talk about this.”
“Your daughter seems to believe you are the king of television. She claims you are a superhero who fights bad guys every day. This would make sense if you were an actor in Hollywood, but we are in Houston, and there are no production studios anywhere near Texas.”
Dan looks down at his daughter. Afraid and confused about the situation, Jessica looks up at her father as he speaks.
“Is this true Jessica?”
Jessica slowly nods her head, trying to make sense as to why she is in trouble. Dan chuckles before looking back to the elderly principle.
“I can explain this. See, I’m a…”
It was now his turn to be interrupted. She laces her fingers together, leaning on the table as she begins to ramble.
“Mr. Harvey, I don’t care what your explanation is. You simply can not fill your daughter’s heads with such tomfoolery if she is to be a student at Sunbeach Elementary. She is disrupting the other students. She’s even convinced some of her friends to form a crime fighting squadron. They pretend to patrol the hallways, stopping children who don’t have a hall pass!”
That’s enough to melt the heart of any single father. His little girl thinks he’s a superhero, and not only that but she wants to be like him too.
“Awww that’s cute.”
Her shrill voice raises, unable to cope with any of this silliness for much longer.
“It’s disruptive! I’m afraid I will have to suspend your daughter until she gets a firm grip on reality.”
“Oh come on! A firm grip on reality? She’s five… and a half! She doesn’t need a firm grip on reality. She needs a firm grip on her crayons! She needs to enjoy her imagination before television destroys it!”
“Sunbeach Elementary is one of the finest institutions in the nation. We pride ourselves on providing the best quality of education these young minds can find. Maybe these antics would be tolerated at some low class public elementary school, but we hold our students to a higher standard.”
“ Listen, I am a professional wrestler. I just won the Television championship. So my daughter got confused between professional wrestler and super hero, and she confused television championship with the king of television. She’s got imagination, intelligence, and apparently a respect for authority and rules. Last time I checked, these were positive traits, not something you get expelled for having!”
Jessica looks at her father, tugging on his sleeve with more tears in her eyes. She was getting more and more upset as the two argued.
“I don’t want to leave my friends daddy. I like it here.”
Dan sighs once more, gazing at his lovely daughter. His heart was melting and he was growing more and more frustrated with each passing moment.
“Look, I know Jessica didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I know she can be a handful sometimes, but she means well. Isn’t there anything I can do to keep her enrolled?”
“The only way I can allow her to stay in the classroom would be for you to reverse the damage you’ve done.”
“So let me speak to the kids. That’s all I’ll have to do. Give me one day and I promise you everything will be back to normal.”
Mrs. Honeywether considers the option. She leans back in her chair of demonic principality, figuring this all out in her head.
“And what if you fail Mr. Harvey?”
“Then you can take her out of school. Either way your problem will be solved. Just give me one day. One day is all I ask. My daughter deserves that much.”
Jessica now begins to pout at the evil principle, holding the fate of the young child’s education in the palm of her hand.
“Very well. We will schedule a class meeting for sometime next week. Mr. Harvey, I pray you not disappoint, for your daughters sake.”
--------
Just like every week, my goal is the same. I’m going to walk in, get the job done, and walk out.
--------
Dan Harvey, perhaps one of the most original superstars in the wrestling world today, is doing nothing fancy today. Instead, he merely stands in front of the POW locker room door. With his wrestling gear already on, he begins to prepare himself mentally for the match at hand.
“I can see it all now. The fans, the referee standing in the middle of the ring, even the demise of my opponent. I visualize this every night before I step through those curtains, and yet tonight is different. Why, of all opponents, is Mr. Showtime different?”
As he tries to grapple with the realization, Dan leans his back against the wall and slides down, his knees now near his chest.
“Perhaps it’s because he’s married to Fire. Perhaps it’s because my title isn’t on the line. Perhaps it’s because we never got to face each other in UWW all those years ago. Hell, it could be all of those things and it still wouldn’t matter. He knows as well as I all of that won’t matter once the bell rings. I don’t consider him a friend, so it’s not hesitation on my part. Yet, on the other hand, Fire is one of the reasons why I’m even here in the first place. Injuring her husband is the last thing I need to do. Unfortunately, I don’t see Showtime quitting without much of a fight. Hopefully I wont have to push him that far before he submits.”
With a small groan, Dan stands up and moves over to the sink. His hands run over the cool water, pooling the liquid in his palm before washing his face with it. Strands of hair fall across his view as he gazes up into the mirror placed just above the sink. His eyes are focused, his gaze is true.
“There will be no holding back tonight. It’s just another night. I’m going to leave friendships on the backburner until the match is over. Once it is all said and done I can shake his hand, but until then he is no better than Reck Maverick.”
A sudden burst of anger fills his chest as he utters that name. His recent remark about Dan’s career in POW was enough to stem a deep seeded hatred for the man before they even met. He begins to pace back and forth inside the dressing room, his fists clinched and ready to strike.
“Just who in the hell does he think he is anyway? I’m not some two bit rookie. I’ve earned everything I got. My victory over Flap couldn’t possibly be misconstrued as a fluke. I beat the ever living snot out of the functionally illiterate paper champion! The only reason for that comment I can think of is he’s threatened by me. Not that I can blame him to be honest. His hold on the championship is anything but firm. Bah! I can take care of this nuisance after my match tonight. For now, I have more important things to consider.”
His eyes fall over the Television title, lying on his gym bag. He picks the leather strap ordained with gold up, holding it in his hands.
“So this is what the title is reduced to? Instead of giving me a worthy challenge, they feed me opponents I’ve already beat? No matter who wins tonight, they won’t stand much of a chance against me next week. It would be different if I’ve never faced them before, but I already destroyed both of them and I’ve only been here for a week! Here I thought having me hold the title would give it some kind of prestige. I guess merely holding the title isn’t good enough. I guess I’m going to need to do something a little bit extra in order to increase the value of this belt.”
And with that, an idea was created in the head of the champion Dan Harvey. With a smirk on his face, he takes the title and walks out of his dressing room. Next stop, Jay T Nitro’s office.