Post by Zevon on Jun 8, 2007 12:23:53 GMT -6
(Scene opens to the Eastern Heavyweight Championship perched on an oak table in a mid-grade hotel room. The camera zooms back to find Zevon standing over a series of plastic bags deep in thought. Lee Cash enters.)
Zevon: And he comes crawling back.
Cash: Stephie is in the process of breaking the story of the year with FDCM.
Zevon: Has the oh so visually appealing one upstaged you yet again?
(Cash is stewing in his juices.)
Zevon: Settle down, Mr. Cash. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and visualize being carried to greatness by the Eastern Heavyweight Champion.
(For some odd reason Cash complies…and it seems to help.)
Zevon: Alright now. Open your eyes and tell me what looks better.
(Cash opens his eyes to find Zevon draped in an Iranian flag, compete with Iron Sheik inspired portrait of the Ayatollah Khomeini.)
Cash: What the?
(Zevon removes the Khomeini flag and replaces it with a Maple Leaf.)
Zevon: Which is better Cash?
(Zevon switches flags back and forth providing Cash with the oddest fashion show he has ever seen.)
Zevon: Ahmadinejad. Harper. Nuclear weapons. Softwood lumber.
(Cash stands speechless, thinking that his career has possibly ended.)
Zevon: Come on Cash. Speak up! Or are none of these doing it for you? Hold on a sec…
(Zevon pulls out a Soviet flag and drapes it over his shoulders like a cape.)
Zevon: I’m a commie… and I’m comin’ to get ya!
(Cash is ever more mum.)
Zevon: Hold on, I have one more.
(Zevon pulls out a flag that Cash does not recognize, the flag of the United Arab Emirates. Zevon speaks in his best ghost story voice, which isn’t the highest of quality.)
Zevon: I am going to buy your ports and use them to channel dirty bombs into your cities! Woo ooo oo ahhya!
(Cash mouth moves but no words come out. Zevon drapes all of the flags over his arms.)
Zevon: How ‘bout all of them? Come on Cash. I’ve been so kind to your career and have I ever asked you for a favor?
(Zevon’s comment sparks life back into Cash.)
Cash: Yes.
Zevon: Yes what?
Cash: You asked me for a locksmith.
Zevon: That’s old news, Lee. Now, which is better.
(Zevon stands holding his array of flags as if he were a ten year old girl picking out shoes.)
Cash: What are they for?
Zevon: My big Bleep the Troops shindig at Over in Dover.
Cash: Bleep the troops?
Zevon: I thought I would save the censors the trouble and bleep my own words, because I am such a wonderful being.
Cash: No, no, not that. You mean to insult the troops?
Zevon: No, I mean to put them in their place. Buddy Love, curse his drunken ways, is planning a big party to stroke their egos, and I thought it was only my duty to bring them back down.
Cash: Don’t you support the troops?
Zevon: Here we go again, rolling out the same tired Support the Troops bullshit. And to think that bastard Lovejoy wanted me to stay in a barracks with those miscreants.
Cash: Miscreants? Foot meet mouth.
Zevon: Oooh, oooh, Japan!
Cash: What?
(Zevon throws on a very cheap Japanese accent and makes a mustache with his index finger. Zevon’s image of Japan has been entirely shaped by Mr. Fuji.)
Zevon: We won’t buy your beef! Hahahahaha.
Cash: What the hell is wrong with you?
Zevon: Absolutely nothing!
Cash: Bleep the Troops? Come on!
Zevon: What the hell else am I supposed to do?
Cash: Support the troops! Support the men and women who fight to protect your freedoms. And maybe prepare for FDCM.
Zevon: Here we go again, all the freedom bullshit.
Cash: What the hell is wrong with you?
Zevon: Nothing Cash! Can you blame me for seeing past all the bullshit and getting to the truth?
(Cash pauses for a moment, giving Zevon an odd look.)
Zevon: Why the hell should a paragon of morality prance about entertaining a bunch of criminals?
Cash: Criminals?
Zevon: The armed forces are a repository for low life scum who cannot make a go of it in the real world. The military is but a place where common street thugs can exercise their murderous ways.
Cash: Murderous ways?
Zevon: Come on Cash! Are you blind? How many innocent Iraqi children have you killed today?
(Cash is again without words. He knows he must change the conversation and quick.)
Cash: So, did you hear the rumors about FDCM?
Zevon: I’ve heard many. Of which do you refer? The pink donkey?
Cash: The big scoop Stephie worked up. About FDCM’s act. His preparations.
Zevon: I knew that already! Haven’t I been telling you all week that your opinions of Mr. Cutter Man were erroneous?
Cash: Well….yes.
Zevon: Now, which one?
(Zevon shakes his flags. Cash gives a quick shake of the head as he further formulates a plan. The bulb goes off.)
Cash: Canada.
Zevon: The ol’ leaf eh?
(Zevon puts down the other flags and intently examines his maple leaf. Cash is visibly pleased.)
Cash: So what have you done to prepare for FDCM?
Zevon: The basics. Look at a few tapes. Have a riveting conversation with Mr. Kitters.
(Zevon discards the Canadian flag and pulls out another bag. Cash looks on as Zevon dumps another wad of flags onto the table. Cash stands in defeat as Zevon rolls out US, Israeli, and British flags.)
Zevon: Which one?
Cash: The stars and stripes of course!
Zevon: Hmmm, that was my gut feeling as well.
(Zevon reaches down and opens another bag. Cash’s eyes widen as Zevon pulls out a book of matches. Cash’s eyes widen further as a Zippo and then a small blowtorch are revealed.)
Zevon: Which one?
Cash: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Zevon: Here we go again.
(Cash begins to exit the situation beginning to fear for his own well-being. He drags the camera towards the door and away from Zevon, who is now on a dry run practicing his flag burning technique. Behind the camera comes Zevon’s voice as the scene is fading.)
Zevon: Take that Mr. Sharon! You jolly old murdering asshole.
Zevon: And he comes crawling back.
Cash: Stephie is in the process of breaking the story of the year with FDCM.
Zevon: Has the oh so visually appealing one upstaged you yet again?
(Cash is stewing in his juices.)
Zevon: Settle down, Mr. Cash. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and visualize being carried to greatness by the Eastern Heavyweight Champion.
(For some odd reason Cash complies…and it seems to help.)
Zevon: Alright now. Open your eyes and tell me what looks better.
(Cash opens his eyes to find Zevon draped in an Iranian flag, compete with Iron Sheik inspired portrait of the Ayatollah Khomeini.)
Cash: What the?
(Zevon removes the Khomeini flag and replaces it with a Maple Leaf.)
Zevon: Which is better Cash?
(Zevon switches flags back and forth providing Cash with the oddest fashion show he has ever seen.)
Zevon: Ahmadinejad. Harper. Nuclear weapons. Softwood lumber.
(Cash stands speechless, thinking that his career has possibly ended.)
Zevon: Come on Cash. Speak up! Or are none of these doing it for you? Hold on a sec…
(Zevon pulls out a Soviet flag and drapes it over his shoulders like a cape.)
Zevon: I’m a commie… and I’m comin’ to get ya!
(Cash is ever more mum.)
Zevon: Hold on, I have one more.
(Zevon pulls out a flag that Cash does not recognize, the flag of the United Arab Emirates. Zevon speaks in his best ghost story voice, which isn’t the highest of quality.)
Zevon: I am going to buy your ports and use them to channel dirty bombs into your cities! Woo ooo oo ahhya!
(Cash mouth moves but no words come out. Zevon drapes all of the flags over his arms.)
Zevon: How ‘bout all of them? Come on Cash. I’ve been so kind to your career and have I ever asked you for a favor?
(Zevon’s comment sparks life back into Cash.)
Cash: Yes.
Zevon: Yes what?
Cash: You asked me for a locksmith.
Zevon: That’s old news, Lee. Now, which is better.
(Zevon stands holding his array of flags as if he were a ten year old girl picking out shoes.)
Cash: What are they for?
Zevon: My big Bleep the Troops shindig at Over in Dover.
Cash: Bleep the troops?
Zevon: I thought I would save the censors the trouble and bleep my own words, because I am such a wonderful being.
Cash: No, no, not that. You mean to insult the troops?
Zevon: No, I mean to put them in their place. Buddy Love, curse his drunken ways, is planning a big party to stroke their egos, and I thought it was only my duty to bring them back down.
Cash: Don’t you support the troops?
Zevon: Here we go again, rolling out the same tired Support the Troops bullshit. And to think that bastard Lovejoy wanted me to stay in a barracks with those miscreants.
Cash: Miscreants? Foot meet mouth.
Zevon: Oooh, oooh, Japan!
Cash: What?
(Zevon throws on a very cheap Japanese accent and makes a mustache with his index finger. Zevon’s image of Japan has been entirely shaped by Mr. Fuji.)
Zevon: We won’t buy your beef! Hahahahaha.
Cash: What the hell is wrong with you?
Zevon: Absolutely nothing!
Cash: Bleep the Troops? Come on!
Zevon: What the hell else am I supposed to do?
Cash: Support the troops! Support the men and women who fight to protect your freedoms. And maybe prepare for FDCM.
Zevon: Here we go again, all the freedom bullshit.
Cash: What the hell is wrong with you?
Zevon: Nothing Cash! Can you blame me for seeing past all the bullshit and getting to the truth?
(Cash pauses for a moment, giving Zevon an odd look.)
Zevon: Why the hell should a paragon of morality prance about entertaining a bunch of criminals?
Cash: Criminals?
Zevon: The armed forces are a repository for low life scum who cannot make a go of it in the real world. The military is but a place where common street thugs can exercise their murderous ways.
Cash: Murderous ways?
Zevon: Come on Cash! Are you blind? How many innocent Iraqi children have you killed today?
(Cash is again without words. He knows he must change the conversation and quick.)
Cash: So, did you hear the rumors about FDCM?
Zevon: I’ve heard many. Of which do you refer? The pink donkey?
Cash: The big scoop Stephie worked up. About FDCM’s act. His preparations.
Zevon: I knew that already! Haven’t I been telling you all week that your opinions of Mr. Cutter Man were erroneous?
Cash: Well….yes.
Zevon: Now, which one?
(Zevon shakes his flags. Cash gives a quick shake of the head as he further formulates a plan. The bulb goes off.)
Cash: Canada.
Zevon: The ol’ leaf eh?
(Zevon puts down the other flags and intently examines his maple leaf. Cash is visibly pleased.)
Cash: So what have you done to prepare for FDCM?
Zevon: The basics. Look at a few tapes. Have a riveting conversation with Mr. Kitters.
(Zevon discards the Canadian flag and pulls out another bag. Cash looks on as Zevon dumps another wad of flags onto the table. Cash stands in defeat as Zevon rolls out US, Israeli, and British flags.)
Zevon: Which one?
Cash: The stars and stripes of course!
Zevon: Hmmm, that was my gut feeling as well.
(Zevon reaches down and opens another bag. Cash’s eyes widen as Zevon pulls out a book of matches. Cash’s eyes widen further as a Zippo and then a small blowtorch are revealed.)
Zevon: Which one?
Cash: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Zevon: Here we go again.
(Cash begins to exit the situation beginning to fear for his own well-being. He drags the camera towards the door and away from Zevon, who is now on a dry run practicing his flag burning technique. Behind the camera comes Zevon’s voice as the scene is fading.)
Zevon: Take that Mr. Sharon! You jolly old murdering asshole.
